A Year in Review

I haven't blogged in awhile.  I fell off the blogging wagon, as I am prone to do when I get discouraged or side tracked.

But I'm back.  And one of my new year's resolutions is to stay committed to my writing.  No matter what.  Even if no one reads it.  :-)

As I reflect back on 2009 I am amazed at all that took place.  In January, I had my last semester of school ahead of me.  I had my thesis yet to finish.  I had two internships yet to finish.  I was living in an apartment.  Bob had just left a job of 8 years and embarked on a job that hopefully held a future, but paid lower starting out.  We were looking forward to our tax returns to survive on.

I did finish my thesis and two internships and graduated.  Finally, after a seven year journey.  Then two weeks later I found out that the office made a mistake and I actually still required two more English credits.  Talk about being thrown for a loop.

The weekend of my graduation, we moved out of our apartment. We could no longer afford it.  We asked Bob's aunt and uncle if we could stay with them for a little while.  They were happy to help us.

And then their income fell.  Dramatically. 

I was heartbroken and depressed.  On top of all that, I was only two steps away from walking out on my marriage.  I sought God and cried out and asked, "Where are You?"

Bob and I began to cry out for a change.  My mom was living in Texas, but I wasn't sure.  Texas was certainly not on my list of places to live.

Western boots, big hair, and armadillos.  Not to mention big bugs.

But God told us, clearly and distinctly, Texas most certainly was on His list of places for us to live. So we listened. We said goodbye to Portland, OR, to Powell's Bookstore, to our pastors, to all of our friends and loved ones, cried a few tears, packed in a few suitcases and all the kids, and headed for Texas.

Then Bob flew back to Oregon, to his job until he landed something in Texas.  But God fast forwarded things and Bob was fired.  And God provided the money we needed to get all of our belongings and my husband to Texas.

Then Bob's back/hip went out and he was suddenly laying on the floor all the time.  We had no living room furniture to sit on, so the floor was the only option.  

And we cried out.  "God, where are You? We are where you told us to go, and we have no income and no certainty we won't be leaving this house too."

And God answered.  He provided.  Each and every time, through different means and different people.  Rent.  Chiropractic care.  Food. Utilities.  Clothes. 

So here we are.  Still waiting on an income.  Still waiting on our places in life.  But resting confidently in God's provision and timing.  And having spent four months together with plenty of time to work some things out. 

So 2009 was about a lot of closed doors and "No's."  But it was also about a loud and resounding "Yes."

Yes, God loves us.

Yes, God knows where we are and what is due on the 1st.

Yes, God knows our heart's desires.

Yes, God has our best interests in mind.

Yes, God knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Throwing Fits

Noah had another fit last night, screaming and refusing to lay back down at 2 am.  I went in, made sure he had his binkie and blanket, which he did, and went out again.

The screaming didn't stop.  I waited.  It still didn't stop.

The last time he did this, I took him downstairs and let him eat and run around a bit before laying him back down, but in my groggy state of mind last night I decided I did not want to make a habit of this.

I guard my sleep with my life.

He was grabbing at his ear a bit so I went downstairs and grabbed baby motrin, a slice of bread, and my book and headed back upstairs.  I let him out of his crib, gave him the motrin, and held him in my lap to eat a piece of bread.  He intermittently proceeded to scream, laying on the floor and throwing a fit.  No matter how I tried to soothe him, he wouldn't be consoled.  I tried whispering, which he often loves, singing, rubbing his back, holding him, carrying him.  All he would do is throw his head back, stiffen his body and scream.  So for awhile  I let him scream.  I tried (unsuccessfully) to just sit there and finish the introduction to my book.

I began to hear guitar strumming in the next room: Jadyn was now awake.  After I finished the introduction and figured he'd (still screaming) had enough time to exhaust himself, I grabbed Noah's blanket out of his crib and his binkie and held it out to him.  He reluctantly took both and I soothed him with my voice and by rubbing his back, praying in song over him for peace and health and God's Presence in his room, for a yielded heart and a calm body.  Then I laid him back down and put the blanket over his face (he really does like this!), softly said goodnight, and walked out of the room.
He was screaming, but five minutes or so later he was quiet.

Minutes to sleep stolen from me: about 56
Deeper lesson learned: Priceless!

You see, I can be like Noah too, screaming and stiffening my spiritual body, even when exhausted and in pain, while God holds out his arms and lovingly whispers: come, let me soothe you.  But for various reasons I continue to throw my tantrum rather than run into God's waiting embrace, ready to soothe my rumpled spirit.  Maybe it's disbelief that He has the best in mind for me.  Maybe it's distrust that he can fix a situation that seems impossible.  Maybe it's anger that a circumstance has been allowed in my life.  Or maybe, just mabye, I simply just want to have things my own way.

Father I ask for peace and health and Your Presence in the room of my heart, that it is yielded to you and my Spirit is calm, trusting You to do whatever it is I need.  I ask that You sing these things over me and quiet my spiritual screaming when I disbelieve or distrust or am angry or just simply want to have my own way.  Amen.  

50 Reasons to Read God's Word From Psalm 119

These days I am soaking in the rays of God's word as I anticipate (the not yet here in Texas!) fall leaves, soup, hot chocolate, gift wrapping, and christmas cards.  I spent all of last week meditating on Psalm 119, one of my favorite psalms!  I love God's word because it reveals who He is to me and provides a guide for my life, but while reading Psalm 119, I found more and more (and more) reasons to read God's word.  By the end of the week I had a pretty great list of reasons why I should spend time in God's word daily. No matter how busy life gets, I need to remember that God's Word

1. blesses me (vs. 1)
2. leads me to do no wrong, to be blameless (vs. 1, 3)
3. keeps me from shame (vs. 6)
4. give me an upright heart (vs. 6)
5. leads to praise (vs. 7)
6. helps me keep my way pure (vs. 9)
7. keeps me from wandering (vs. 10)
8. keeps me from sin (vs. 11)
   
9. gives me delight (vs. 14)
10. helps me remember God's commands (vs. 16)
11. shows me wondrous things (vs. 18)
12. consumes me with longing for more (vs. 20)
13. keeps me from rebuke (vs. 21)
14. removes scorn and contempt (vs. 22)
15. counsels me (vs. 24)
16. gives me life (vs. 25, 50)
17. leads to confession (vs. 26)
18. leads to understanding (vs. 27)
19. gives me strength (vs. 28)
20. helps me distinguish what is false and reveals truth (vs. 29)
21. frees my heart (vs. 32)
22. turns my eyes away from worthless things (vs. 37)
23. confirms God's promises to me (vs. 38)
24. turns away my reproach (vs. 39)
25. gives me an answer in the face of mockers (vs. 42)
26. gives me hope (vs. 43, 39)
27. causes me to walk in a wide place (vs. 45)
28. gives me a testimony even when standing before princes and kings (vs. 46)
29. gives me comfort (vs. 52)
30. invites God's favor (vs. 58)
31. causes me to praise God (vs. 62)
32. keeps me from going astray (vs. 67)
33. shows me my identity in Christ (vs. 73) 
    
34. keeps me from revenge (vs. 78)
35. prepares me to be a leader (vs. 79)
36. keeps my place before God in perspective (vs. 89-91)
    
37. gives me wisdom (vs. 98)
    
38. guides me in darkness (vs. 105)
    
39. provides me with a heritage (vs. 111)
    
40. gives me joy (vs. 111)
41. shields me (vs. 114)
    
42. makes me to sorrow over sin against God (vs. 136)
43. gives me confidence in the face of persecution (vs. 161)
44. leads to deliverance (vs. 153)
45. invites God's intercession on my behalf (vs. 154)
    
46. leads to salvation (vs. 155)
47. leads to peace (vs. 165)
48. keeps my feet from stumbling (vs. 165)
    
49. opens God's ears to my pleas (vs. 169, 170)
50. invites God's help (vs. 173)

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, pierciing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."  Hebrews 4: 12, ESV

Hesitate Instead of Hurry

Yesterday I felt tired, like my limbs carried around bricks tied to them and my thoughts trudged through quick sand.  I didn't get a lot done: the dishes, another event booked.  The list of things not done includes sorting clothes, doing laundry, sorting toys, cleaning toilets and floors.
 
But I did hesitate. 

I held Noah while he was throwing a temper, I lay down on the floor next to him and tried to soothe him, not angry or frustrated.  I understand; sometimes I want to throw a tantrum too.  I took the time to stop doing the dishes to discipline him as he attempted to pull out glass dishes from the cupboard.  I kissed on Emily and hugged her and informed her again and again I was the Queen when she called me her Prince.  I carried Noah through the grocery store, feeling the warmth of his body in the icecream aisle.  I helped Emily transform into a fairy.  I watched Kayli's eyes light up as I told her she could help me at the festival next Saturday, that maybe she could read stories to kids for me.   I helped Jadyn find the perfect notebook to go with her waitress costume.  I wiped her shoes off and helped her tie them, without hearing the usual whispers (or screams) to hurry! hurry! hurry! I noticed one of her earings was missing.  I helped her skip count 25 starting at 500 and stopping at 600 and then challenged her to go past 600, triumphing with her that she could do it. 

And I feel triumphant. 

And I think I will begin eliminating the word "hurry" from my vocabulary. 

A Call to Holiness

As I read Psalm 106 recently, I turned it into a prayer for my life: 

Lord, may I not grumble in my promised land, lacking the faith to see Your promises.  May I not murmer and refuse to obey Your voice.  If Your hand is on my life and I am obedient, help me to know there is a plan and a purpose for every season.  Let me not forget Your wondrous works Lord or forget to wait on Your counsel.  May I never exchange the glory of God to worship an idol of my own making.  May I not cause my brothers and sisters in Christ anger, causing them to stumble or act rashly.  May I not exasperate and frustrate the leaders You place above me, like the people of Israel frustrated Moses, becoming a stumbling block for him.  Lord, may I not ever tolerate sin in any proportion in my life, lest my righteousness be compromised, my standard shifted so that I come to say, "That's okay. God won't mind." For You do mind, God.  Because coddling that little sin creates a monster, a weed that refuses to be moved, a fire ant hill that is hard to completely destroy.  And Your Word says you "abhorred" Your heritage when they allowed the sin of other nations to become their own. 
Thank you, God, that even so, You heard Israel's cry for help.  And that You hear me in my times of distress, even when it is because of my own doing; You remember Your covenant with me and relent according to the abundance of Your steadfast love.  Let Your day come quickly God and gather us from the nations, to surround Your throne and cry Holy, Holy, Holy. 

I pray that this will be your prayer too. 

This is My Song

Psalm 105 is a beautiful reminder of God's fulfilling one of His promises to the Israelites.  It goes from the first covenant with Abraham, to the slavery of Joseph, the slavery of the Israelites, the hardening of Pharoah's heart, the setting apart of Israel, and finally - the deliverance of God's people.  It is a psalm, a song, to David's generation, his contemporaries.  David's song contains evidences of God's promises, God's judgement, God's provision, God's protection, and God's deliverance.  And it revealed a little about who David's God was to him.  The congregation listening to these words sung may have been convicted.  Some may have been deeply encouraged.  Some may have burst out in praise, honoring God for something He was doing in their life.  And the children no doubt listened, captured, introduced to a God who works mightily on behalf of His people, even in trials.  And, wait for it, this is important:

David's song can still be read today in the number one bestseller book of our time. 

What is my song? God has promised me an abundant place.  He has brought me through a divorce, a miscarriage, a baby's broken leg, a label of "unfit mother" that has been hard to run from, a nearly failed second marriage, financial lack, and the valley of depression.  He has delivered me from the bondage of lies, low self-esteem, destructive habits, and social anxiety.  I have felt His arms around me, I have heard His voice, and I have felt His hand of discipline.  I have a pile of stones from the Jordan so I can tell future genterations of His great love for them.  I have my own song to sing, that my God is a Promise-Keeper.  I have seen His hand of deliverance and have no doubt He will bring us into our promised land. 

Everyone has a song, a legacy, a pile of stones from the Jordan.  What is yours? Have you ever written it all out, like David, putting words to His works in your life?  God commands us to remember His hand in our life, not only to protect us from fear in hard times, but to help future generations hear and see that He is good. 

"Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples! Sing to him, sing praises to him; tell of all his wondrous works!" Psalm 105: 1-2

Holy Java?!

One Sunday morning, as I stood in worship, relishing the delicious taste of coffee in my mouth and remembering the feeling I'd had that morning as I'd walked into the fresh brewed smell of my kitchen, I got it.  I remembered the Bible saying something somewhere about the smell of fat burning on the sacrificial altar being a pleasant aroma to the Lord.  I also remembered the Bible saying something somewhere about the Lord abhorring a sacrifice given with the wrong intentions, with ulterior motives.  And I stood there, worshipping Almighty Maker of heaven and earth, my Potter, my Redeemer, and my Prince of Peace, and whispered, "Lord, may my worship be your cup of coffee this morning, may it fill your throneroom with a delicous fresh-brewed aroma, may it wake you up to see that there is a people on this earth still filled with passion and longing at the mention of Your Name."