A Year in Review

I haven't blogged in awhile.  I fell off the blogging wagon, as I am prone to do when I get discouraged or side tracked.

But I'm back.  And one of my new year's resolutions is to stay committed to my writing.  No matter what.  Even if no one reads it.  :-)

As I reflect back on 2009 I am amazed at all that took place.  In January, I had my last semester of school ahead of me.  I had my thesis yet to finish.  I had two internships yet to finish.  I was living in an apartment.  Bob had just left a job of 8 years and embarked on a job that hopefully held a future, but paid lower starting out.  We were looking forward to our tax returns to survive on.

I did finish my thesis and two internships and graduated.  Finally, after a seven year journey.  Then two weeks later I found out that the office made a mistake and I actually still required two more English credits.  Talk about being thrown for a loop.

The weekend of my graduation, we moved out of our apartment. We could no longer afford it.  We asked Bob's aunt and uncle if we could stay with them for a little while.  They were happy to help us.

And then their income fell.  Dramatically. 

I was heartbroken and depressed.  On top of all that, I was only two steps away from walking out on my marriage.  I sought God and cried out and asked, "Where are You?"

Bob and I began to cry out for a change.  My mom was living in Texas, but I wasn't sure.  Texas was certainly not on my list of places to live.

Western boots, big hair, and armadillos.  Not to mention big bugs.

But God told us, clearly and distinctly, Texas most certainly was on His list of places for us to live. So we listened. We said goodbye to Portland, OR, to Powell's Bookstore, to our pastors, to all of our friends and loved ones, cried a few tears, packed in a few suitcases and all the kids, and headed for Texas.

Then Bob flew back to Oregon, to his job until he landed something in Texas.  But God fast forwarded things and Bob was fired.  And God provided the money we needed to get all of our belongings and my husband to Texas.

Then Bob's back/hip went out and he was suddenly laying on the floor all the time.  We had no living room furniture to sit on, so the floor was the only option.  

And we cried out.  "God, where are You? We are where you told us to go, and we have no income and no certainty we won't be leaving this house too."

And God answered.  He provided.  Each and every time, through different means and different people.  Rent.  Chiropractic care.  Food. Utilities.  Clothes. 

So here we are.  Still waiting on an income.  Still waiting on our places in life.  But resting confidently in God's provision and timing.  And having spent four months together with plenty of time to work some things out. 

So 2009 was about a lot of closed doors and "No's."  But it was also about a loud and resounding "Yes."

Yes, God loves us.

Yes, God knows where we are and what is due on the 1st.

Yes, God knows our heart's desires.

Yes, God has our best interests in mind.

Yes, God knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Throwing Fits

Noah had another fit last night, screaming and refusing to lay back down at 2 am.  I went in, made sure he had his binkie and blanket, which he did, and went out again.

The screaming didn't stop.  I waited.  It still didn't stop.

The last time he did this, I took him downstairs and let him eat and run around a bit before laying him back down, but in my groggy state of mind last night I decided I did not want to make a habit of this.

I guard my sleep with my life.

He was grabbing at his ear a bit so I went downstairs and grabbed baby motrin, a slice of bread, and my book and headed back upstairs.  I let him out of his crib, gave him the motrin, and held him in my lap to eat a piece of bread.  He intermittently proceeded to scream, laying on the floor and throwing a fit.  No matter how I tried to soothe him, he wouldn't be consoled.  I tried whispering, which he often loves, singing, rubbing his back, holding him, carrying him.  All he would do is throw his head back, stiffen his body and scream.  So for awhile  I let him scream.  I tried (unsuccessfully) to just sit there and finish the introduction to my book.

I began to hear guitar strumming in the next room: Jadyn was now awake.  After I finished the introduction and figured he'd (still screaming) had enough time to exhaust himself, I grabbed Noah's blanket out of his crib and his binkie and held it out to him.  He reluctantly took both and I soothed him with my voice and by rubbing his back, praying in song over him for peace and health and God's Presence in his room, for a yielded heart and a calm body.  Then I laid him back down and put the blanket over his face (he really does like this!), softly said goodnight, and walked out of the room.
He was screaming, but five minutes or so later he was quiet.

Minutes to sleep stolen from me: about 56
Deeper lesson learned: Priceless!

You see, I can be like Noah too, screaming and stiffening my spiritual body, even when exhausted and in pain, while God holds out his arms and lovingly whispers: come, let me soothe you.  But for various reasons I continue to throw my tantrum rather than run into God's waiting embrace, ready to soothe my rumpled spirit.  Maybe it's disbelief that He has the best in mind for me.  Maybe it's distrust that he can fix a situation that seems impossible.  Maybe it's anger that a circumstance has been allowed in my life.  Or maybe, just mabye, I simply just want to have things my own way.

Father I ask for peace and health and Your Presence in the room of my heart, that it is yielded to you and my Spirit is calm, trusting You to do whatever it is I need.  I ask that You sing these things over me and quiet my spiritual screaming when I disbelieve or distrust or am angry or just simply want to have my own way.  Amen.  

50 Reasons to Read God's Word From Psalm 119

These days I am soaking in the rays of God's word as I anticipate (the not yet here in Texas!) fall leaves, soup, hot chocolate, gift wrapping, and christmas cards.  I spent all of last week meditating on Psalm 119, one of my favorite psalms!  I love God's word because it reveals who He is to me and provides a guide for my life, but while reading Psalm 119, I found more and more (and more) reasons to read God's word.  By the end of the week I had a pretty great list of reasons why I should spend time in God's word daily. No matter how busy life gets, I need to remember that God's Word

1. blesses me (vs. 1)
2. leads me to do no wrong, to be blameless (vs. 1, 3)
3. keeps me from shame (vs. 6)
4. give me an upright heart (vs. 6)
5. leads to praise (vs. 7)
6. helps me keep my way pure (vs. 9)
7. keeps me from wandering (vs. 10)
8. keeps me from sin (vs. 11)
   
9. gives me delight (vs. 14)
10. helps me remember God's commands (vs. 16)
11. shows me wondrous things (vs. 18)
12. consumes me with longing for more (vs. 20)
13. keeps me from rebuke (vs. 21)
14. removes scorn and contempt (vs. 22)
15. counsels me (vs. 24)
16. gives me life (vs. 25, 50)
17. leads to confession (vs. 26)
18. leads to understanding (vs. 27)
19. gives me strength (vs. 28)
20. helps me distinguish what is false and reveals truth (vs. 29)
21. frees my heart (vs. 32)
22. turns my eyes away from worthless things (vs. 37)
23. confirms God's promises to me (vs. 38)
24. turns away my reproach (vs. 39)
25. gives me an answer in the face of mockers (vs. 42)
26. gives me hope (vs. 43, 39)
27. causes me to walk in a wide place (vs. 45)
28. gives me a testimony even when standing before princes and kings (vs. 46)
29. gives me comfort (vs. 52)
30. invites God's favor (vs. 58)
31. causes me to praise God (vs. 62)
32. keeps me from going astray (vs. 67)
33. shows me my identity in Christ (vs. 73) 
    
34. keeps me from revenge (vs. 78)
35. prepares me to be a leader (vs. 79)
36. keeps my place before God in perspective (vs. 89-91)
    
37. gives me wisdom (vs. 98)
    
38. guides me in darkness (vs. 105)
    
39. provides me with a heritage (vs. 111)
    
40. gives me joy (vs. 111)
41. shields me (vs. 114)
    
42. makes me to sorrow over sin against God (vs. 136)
43. gives me confidence in the face of persecution (vs. 161)
44. leads to deliverance (vs. 153)
45. invites God's intercession on my behalf (vs. 154)
    
46. leads to salvation (vs. 155)
47. leads to peace (vs. 165)
48. keeps my feet from stumbling (vs. 165)
    
49. opens God's ears to my pleas (vs. 169, 170)
50. invites God's help (vs. 173)

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, pierciing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."  Hebrews 4: 12, ESV